We hear a lot today from the media or from the pulpits about the so-called war on traditional families and the destruction of traditional family values. This is usually associated with the undefined political liberals and the ongoing issue of gay marriage, or the equally undefined “homosexual agenda.” What we do not hear so much, or at least I don’t, is, what exactly are family values, traditional or otherwise? For that matter, how do we, as a culture or society, accurately define “family”? If you’re like me, you grew up in a traditional family setting. We had two parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and so on. There were annual family reunions (one for each of my parents) where we met with distant relatives that we only saw once a year or less, but what about those who were not so lucky, by my standards at least, to have had the blessing of growing up in such a traditional fashion? In other words, what standard or model do we use to define what family is?
I had friends that came from severely broken homes. Divorced parents, siblings split between parents, custody given to a grandparent or distant relative, etc. Would these people be willing to admit that they did not have a family, or would they just define it differently than I did? There are also people without the benefit of blood relations that would have quite a different definition of family too. For them, it may be a close network of friends. I, for one, have a friend of many years that I consider as much family as I do my own siblings. Many of our elderly live in retirement or assisted living facilities where family is defined as those with whom they live with and rely on daily.
Still, many hold fast to the idea that the ideal family is constructed of two adults of different sexes that have one or more children between them. Does that mean that couples who are unable, or choose not, to have children are not families? How about couples who are living together without the legality of marriage, either with or without children? Is marriage required to define family? As we can see, the definition of family, traditional or otherwise, is as varied as there are individuals who define it. Likewise, “tradition” is equally hard to pin down. Therefore, I would conclude that “family” cannot be defined by its physical construction since it is built differently for each of us, and yet still remains “family” for each of us.
So, what is the unifying thread that runs through families that causes us to call them that? Is it family values? Again, I find “family values” equally hard to apply to “family.” How do we define something as intangible and subjective as a value? While we value our family members, they are not, in of themselves, a value. Maybe value is not the right word. May we, perhaps, use the term “quality” instead? Now we have something we can work with. What qualities do our families possess that we place value on? I would suggest things like; mutual love and respect, acceptance (in spite of differences), or comfort, as in offering a safe place to be, be from, or return to. They likewise offer us a place to turn to for acceptance, sympathy, empathy, and affirmation. This is not to say that all families are of like mind or are in total agreement. We all know that’s not true, but we also know that the differences do not outweigh the qualities that we deem so valuable.
I believe, now, we can safely say that both “family” and “family values” can be defined in such a way as to apply those definitions in a universal fashion. We can define family as two or more people who are in agreement on the fact that every member of the group is considered a member of their family. Family values, then, are the aforementioned qualities that the individual groups possess that the members value.
Which brings me back to my original question, what is it about gay marriage or the homosexual relationship that is claimed by so many to devalue or break down family values? Perhaps it is the inclusion of the word “traditional” that causes the problem. This is an obvious argument fallacy since traditions vary and cannot be applied universally. It is my belief that when people say “traditional” they really mean “Christian” family values, which is to say that only Christians are capable of possessing qualities such as love, respect, acceptance, and so on. This is a false assumption. These qualities can be found in families of all faiths as well as in families of no faith at all.
For the sake of argument, let us turn to the Bible and see what, if anything, Jesus had to say on the subject of family. We know that Jesus was raised by two parents and that he had siblings. However, Joseph was not his biological father and his siblings were only half siblings, so there goes any notion that traditional Christian families must have complete biological connections. Likewise, Jesus was (probably) not married and (also probably) had no children, which throws the notion that marriage and children are necessary in a traditional Christian family right out the window. There is, however, one passage of scripture where Jesus does address the concept of family. It can be found in Mark’s gospel (how convenient for me), chapter 3, and verses 31-35. When Jesus’ mother and brothers come to get him from the crowds, Jesus was told that they were looking for him. His reply was this, “Who are my mother and my brothers?” And looking at those who were sitting around him in a circle, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of God is my brother and sister and mother.”
So, for those who wish to apply Christianity to family and family values, it might do you well to first understand what Christianity has to say about it.
As always, your comments are welcome and encouraged.
